Dear Patrons,
Welcome to the Spectral Lending Library. We are a public institution devoted to the cataloging, preservation, and responsible circulation of objects that are, to varying degrees, haunted.
Our collection currently numbers 214 items, ranging in severity from Class I ("mild unease, occasional cold draft") to Class V ("sentient, hostile, has filed a grievance with the Society for Ethical Haunting"). All items are available for lending with a valid library card and a signed Spectral Liability Waiver (Form SL-7).
I was formerly Senior Archivist at B.U.R.P. (Bureau of Unexplained & Remarkably Paranormal), Field Office #7, where I spent eleven years cataloging Evidence Items E-001 through E-008. After the yogurt incident — and I will say no more about E-008 — I took early retirement and opened this library. The objects here are, on the whole, better behaved than the yogurt. On the whole.
Please observe posted hours. The Reading Room closes at sundown or when the candles go out, whichever comes first. If the candles relight themselves, leave.
Constance served eleven years at B.U.R.P. Field Office #7, Internet Division, where she cataloged everything from the precognitive alarm clock (E-007) to the interdimensional sock (E-001). She holds a Class IV Spectral Handler license and once successfully re-shelved a book that was actively biting her.
She left B.U.R.P. after what she refers to only as "the yogurt situation" (see: E-008, CRITICAL threat level, do not make eye contact). She founded the Spectral Lending Library because, in her words, "these objects deserve to be in circulation, not locked in a filing cabinet with a padlock. Most of them are quite well-behaved if you treat them with respect. Except the snow globe. The snow globe has no respect for anyone."
Constance is available at the front desk during posted hours. She does not answer questions about E-008. She does not accept yogurt as a donation. Please stop asking.
Re: Evidence Item E-003 (Tupperware Lid)
Agent Jackalope has been informed that the Spectral Lending Library is
circulating a lid that "fits everything." We would like it back. It was
in our Evidence Locker. Constance insists it walked out on its own.
We have no evidence to the contrary. We never do.
Re: Self-Organizing Drawer SLL-0091
M. Ashworth reminds all patrons that the drawer was transferred, not
donated. It is on permanent loan. The Forbidden Catalog's card system
has been "noticeably calmer" since it left. The poetry section has stopped biting.
We consider this a net positive. Please keep it.
Re: Haunting Regulations §3
Chairman Reginald Spectre III reminds the Library that all objects
with active hauntings must be handled in accordance with the Ghost Code
of Conduct. Chain-rattling items are restricted after 10 PM. The chaise
longue currently on loan to Peaches LaRue is in full compliance.
The snow globe is not. The snow globe answers to no one.
Re: The Judgmental Chaise Longue (SLL-0042)
We note with interest that the chaise has found a permanent borrower.
Our current inventory stands at 342 haunted items, 298 ghosts (some furniture
has multiple). If the Library requires additional stock, we have a screaming
credenza and a passive-aggressive writing desk available immediately.
The chaise is not missed. It was too critical of the other furniture.
| Day | Hours | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Monday | 9:00 AM – Sundown | New acquisitions shelved |
| Tuesday | 9:00 AM – Sundown | Class IV handling by appointment |
| Wednesday | 10:00 AM – 3:00 PM | Reduced hours (the lights flicker) |
| Thursday | 9:00 AM – Sundown | Society for Ethical Haunting office hours |
| Friday | 9:00 AM – Sundown | Late returns accepted without judgment |
| Saturday | 11:00 AM – 4:00 PM | Public viewing of Featured Lend |
| Sunday | Closed | The objects rest. So should you. |