WLSBN 3AM

LESBIAN PIRATE RADIO • BROADCASTING FROM SOMEWHERE YOU CAN'T FIND • SINCE 2002

NOW PLAYING

FAST CAR

Tracy Chapman • requested by literally everyone calling in tonight

TONIGHT'S PROGRAMMING

3:00 AM

THE FLANNEL HOUR

Soft indie, folk, and the songs you play when you're staring at the ceiling thinking about her. Requests open. Crying encouraged.

HOST: DJ SOFTBUTCH

4:00 AM

GAY PANIC RADIO

Your weekly call-in show for romantic emergencies. "She touched my hand, what does it mean?" We will tell you what it means. It means she likes you. Call in anyway.

HOST: COUNSELOR MOONBEAM

5:00 AM

BASSQUAKE AFTER DARK

DJ BASSQUAKE (Gerald, age 47) brings maximum bass to the pre-dawn hours. His mother still calls him an accountant. The bass does not care. The bass is eternal. WLSBN is not responsible for structural damage.

HOST: DJ BASSQUAKE (GERALD)

5:30 AM

AUNT CAROL'S MORNING RECIPES

Aunt Carol reads her recipes live on air. Timmy set up the microphone. She does not understand what "pirate radio" means but she is supportive. Today: green bean casserole. Again.

HOST: AUNT CAROL (VIA LANDLINE)

6:00 AM

GHOST TRANSMISSIONS

We open the frequency and let the dead speak. Last week Margaret called in about her fern again. The Chaise Longue from Ye Olde Haunted Furniture Emporium did an aria. WVOID 66.6 FM is jealous.

HOST: THE EQUIPMENT (IT DOES THIS BY ITSELF)

6:30 AM

THE SIGN OFF

Station sign-off. We play the national anthem of a country that doesn't exist. The pigeons deliver the morning paper. Kevin calls in with a conspiracy. We hang up. See you tomorrow at 3 AM.

HOST: COLLECTIVE EXHAUSTION

TONIGHT'S CALLER HIGHLIGHTS

CALLER: ANONYMOUS // LINE 1

"Hi, yes, she made me a playlist and track 7 is 'Feelings' by Hayley Kiyoko. Does that mean what I think it means?" [DJ SOFTBUTCH: "Yes. It means exactly what you think it means. Go get her."]

CALLER: JASON DERULO // LINE 2

"JASON DER—" [DISCONNECTED. WLSBN HAS A STRICT NO-DERULO POLICY. HE HAS CALLED 147 TIMES. WE WILL KEEP HANGING UP.]

CALLER: KEVIN // LINE 3

"The radio waves are connected to the voicemails. The voicemails are connected to the yogurt. The yogurt is connected to the space station. I HAVE THE RED STRING. WAKE UP." [DJ SOFTBUTCH: "Kevin, please go to sleep." Kevin: "SLEEP IS A CONSPIRACY."]

CALLER: DR. MITTENS // LINE 4

[4 minutes of purring. A single meow at 3:47. The audio levels peaked at the meow. This is the highest-rated call-in segment in station history.]

CALLER: E-008 (THE YOGURT) // LINE 5

[slow bubbling sounds transmitted across all frequencies simultaneously. The soundboard turned itself on. Every fader moved to maximum. B.U.R.P. has been notified. The yogurt has been banned from calling in. It does not respect the ban.]

OUR DJs

DJ SOFTBUTCH

THE FLANNEL HOUR // GAY PANIC RADIO

Founder of WLSBN. Built the transmitter from a ham radio, two crystals Brenda donated, and sheer determination. Has not missed a broadcast in 24 years. Sleeps from 7 AM to 2 AM. This is fine.

DJ BASSQUAKE

BASSQUAKE AFTER DARK

Gerald (age 47). Maximum bass since 1996. Kicked out of his warehouse rave venue and found WLSBN. The bass shakes the antenna. Three neighbors have complained. They have been absorbed by the bass.

COUNSELOR MOONBEAM

GAY PANIC RADIO (CO-HOST)

Licensed therapist (in 3 countries that may not exist). Specializes in "she looked at me and I forgot how to breathe" emergencies. Success rate: 67%. The other 33% were about cats.

THE EQUIPMENT

GHOST TRANSMISSIONS

Not technically a DJ. The mixing board turns itself on at 6 AM and broadcasts whatever the dead want to say. Madame Zara says this is normal. The FCC disagrees.

FCC VIOLATIONS: 2,847 AND COUNTING. WE HAVE RECEIVED YOUR CEASE AND DESIST LETTERS. WE ARE USING THEM AS COASTERS. THE SIGNAL CANNOT BE STOPPED. LOVE IS THE FREQUENCY. ALSO 93.7 FM. BUT MOSTLY LOVE.

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