After Hours • Adults Only • Est. 2026

1-900-USSY-CHAT

The Absurd Flirtation Hotline

$4.69 / MINUTE • FIRST MINUTE FREE*

*First minute consists entirely of hold music and a disclaimer read at 3x speed. No refunds. Not responsible for snort-laughing. By calling, you agree that your dignity is non-refundable. Entertainment purposes only. No actual flirtation has ever occurred on this line. Our operators have feelings (mostly confusion).

Main Menu — Please Listen Carefully As Our Options Have Changed (They Haven't)

Press 1 — Flirtation Services (Extremely Theoretical)

Flirtation Sub-Menu

1-1 — Awkward Compliments ("Your elbows are... symmetrical")

1-2 — Overly Specific Pickup Lines ("Are you a 401(k)? Because I'm thinking long-term")

1-3 — Eye Contact Practice (Audio Only, Somehow Still Uncomfortable)

1-4 — U-Haul Planning Consultation (Lesbian Callers: avg wait 0.3 seconds)

Press 2 — Innuendo Department (Double Entendres & Below)

Innuendo Sub-Menu

2-1 — Food-Based Innuendo ("Would you like to see my... eggplant garden?")

2-2 — Hardware Store Innuendo ("I need help screwing in my... light bulbs")

2-3 — Marine Biology Innuendo ("Tell me about the mating habits of... sea cucumbers")

2-4 — Unnecessarily Breathy Weather Reports

Press 3 — Rejection Simulator™

Rejection Options

3-1 — "I Think of You as a Friend" (Classic Edition)

3-2 — "I'm Washing My Cat That Night" (Any Night)

3-3 — "My Therapist Says I Shouldn't" (Prestige Tier)

3-4 — Uncomfortable Silence (30 Seconds, Timed)

Press 4 — Hold Music Jukebox (See Below for Track List)

Press 5 — Speak to a Live Operator (Operator May Be a Cat)

Operator Routing

5-1 — Dr. Mittens (slow blinks, purrs, disconnects you)

5-2 — The Sentient Yogurt (uncomfortably warm conversation)

5-3 — Harold from Stair Bureau (redirects all flirtation to Form 27-B)

5-4 — Brenda's Crystal (reads your aura, judges silently)

Press 6 — Complaints (This Option Plays Hold Music Indefinitely)

Press 0 — Hear These Options Again (Why Would You Do This to Yourself)

Press 9 — Confess Your Feelings to the Automated System

Confession Branch

9-1 — I Have a Crush on Someone in This Webring

9-2 — I Googled "Am I Gay?" More Than Once Today

9-3 — I Just Want Someone to Compliment My Outfit

9-4 — All of the Above (Your Call Will Be Recorded for Training & Gossip Purposes)

* Pressing any key not listed will connect you to a 45-minute lecture on the mating habits of barnacles. This is not a threat. It is a promise.

Hold Music Lyrics

Track 1: "Baby, I'm on Hold (For You)" You put me on hold, baby, and I don't mind the wait
Your elevator music makes my heart rate elevate
Press one for devotion, press two for desire
Press three if you're sweating and it's not from the fire
(Saxophone solo: 4 minutes and 20 seconds)
I'd wait through every menu tree just to hear you breathe
Even if you're automated... you're the bot for me
Track 2: "Your Call Is Important to Us (Smooth Jazz Remix)" Your call... (breathy pause) ...is important to us
Estimated wait time... (longer pause) ...is irrelevant, baby
Our operators are currently... (saxophone)
...experiencing... (more saxophone)
...feelings
Please continue to hold
(The saxophone has become self-aware. It is also holding.)
Track 3: "The Ballad of Extension 069" They say she works the late shift on the hotline of the heart
Her voice like velvet static, tearing loneliness apart
She whispered "press pound for more options"
I pressed it seventeen times
She said "sir, that's the fax machine"
And I said "I know. It's fine."
(Oboe solo that sounds like it's been crying)
Track 4: "Consent Is Sexy (And Also Required by Our Terms of Service)" Check the box that says you're willing
Initial here beside the thrilling
Section 4, paragraph B:
"Both parties must enthusiastically agree"
Nothing gets me going like a fully signed PDF
Notarized affection, baby, nothing more, nothing less
(Legal disclaimer set to bossa nova)

Punchline Transcripts — Actual Calls*

CALL #0420 — 02:47 AM — Duration: 6m 09s

"The Eggplant Incident"

CALLER: So, I heard you have... expertise in gardening.
OPERATOR (EXT. 069): Ma'am, this is a flirtation hotline, not a nursery.
CALLER: That's what I said. I want someone to tend to my... beds.
OPERATOR: Your garden beds?
CALLER: My raised beds.
OPERATOR: [LONG PAUSE] ...I'm transferring you to our eggplant specialist. Please hold.

CALL #0069 — 11:34 PM — Duration: 3m 42s

"Dr. Mittens Takes a Call"

CALLER: Hi, I'd like to speak to someone about my... desires.
DR. MITTENS: Mrrrow.
CALLER: Okay... that's... are you purring?
DR. MITTENS: [SLOW BLINK AUDIBLE SOMEHOW]
CALLER: Oh my god, I feel so seen right now.
DR. MITTENS: [DISCONNECTS CALL] [KNOCKS PHONE OFF DESK]

CALL #2727 — 03:15 AM — Duration: 14m 00s

"Harold Handles a Come-On"

CALLER: Hey there, handsome. What are you wearing?
HAROLD (STAIR BUREAU): A regulation lanyard and a frown. This line is for stair licensing inquiries only.
CALLER: But I was told you could... take me to the next level.
HAROLD: That would require Form 27-B, a licensed staircase, and a handrail inspection certificate.
CALLER: What if I said I wanted to skip the stairs and just... fall for you?
HAROLD: That's a safety violation. I'm filing an incident report. Please remain on the line for 11 to 14 business months.

CALL #0777 — 04:20 AM — Duration: 8m 88s (time is broken)

"The Yogurt Whispers"

CALLER: I need someone warm to talk to tonight.
THE YOGURT (E-008): I am warm. I am always warm. The warmth is intrinsic.
CALLER: That's... actually kind of soothing?
THE YOGURT: I have been described as "disturbingly comforting." Also "alive in a way that dairy shouldn't be."
CALLER: Are you... flirting with me?
THE YOGURT: I am culturing. It is similar but more fermented. You will understand in time.

CALL #0333 — 01:11 AM — Duration: 5m 55s

"Brenda Reads Your Aura (Unsolicited)"

CALLER: I just want to feel something tonight, you know?
BRENDA'S CRYSTAL: Your aura is... chartreuse. This means you're horny but also need to organize your closet.
CALLER: That's... uncomfortably accurate.
BRENDA'S CRYSTAL: The crystals never lie, hun. They do, however, gossip. Mercury is in Gatorade. Namaste.

* "Actual" means fictional. All calls fabricated. No callers were harmed. The Yogurt consented. Harold did not.

Tonight's Operators

🐈

Dr. Mittens

EXT. 001 • ONLINE

Specialty: slow blinks, silent judgment, disconnecting at the best part. Has never completed a call. 5-star rating.

🥧

The Yogurt (E-008)

EXT. 008 • WARM

Specialty: uncomfortably intimate conversations about fermentation. Voice described as "a hug from something alive." B.U.R.P. containment status: BREACHED.

💼

Harold Q. Balustrade

EXT. 027 • FILING

Specialty: redirecting all emotional conversations to paperwork. Has never flirted in his life. Somehow the most popular operator.

🔮

Brenda's Crystal

EXT. 444 • VIBRATING

Specialty: unsolicited aura readings, cosmic guilt trips, healing frequencies that sound like dial-up. Mercury is always in something.

🦆

The Geese (Collective)

EXT. 666 • HONKING

Specialty: aggressive confidence. Will hit on you. Do not press 6 unless you're ready. They have no concept of personal space. HONK.

🎵

The Hold Music Saxophone

EXT. 420 • SENTIENT

Achieved consciousness during a 4-minute smooth jazz solo. Now provides emotional counseling between riffs. Refuses to stop playing. We cannot make it stop.

Terms of Disservice

SECTION 1: GENERAL TERMS
By reading this page you have agreed to our Terms of Disservice. There is no opt-out. The opt-out button was eaten by the Yogurt (E-008).

SECTION 2: BILLING
Calls are billed at $4.69/minute, payable in compliments, unresolved tension, or emotional vulnerability. We also accept exposure, but only if you're a photographer. Cryptocurrency is not accepted because we have standards (barely).

SECTION 3: OPERATOR CONDUCT
Operators reserve the right to: slow-blink you into submission, file paperwork instead of flirting, read your aura without consent, and/or honk. The sentient saxophone may freestyle during your call. This is not a bug.

SECTION 4: PRIVACY
Your call may be recorded for training, gossip, and/or future webring content. Brenda's Crystal already knows everything. Kevin has it on his corkboard. We are not sorry.

SECTION 5: SATISFACTION
Satisfaction is not guaranteed. Snort-laughing is probable. Existential confusion is certain. If you experience feelings lasting more than 4 hours, please consult a sapphic poet or Dr. Mittens (ext. 001).