The People v. Unresolved Feelings
(The courtroom is lit by a single dramatic spotlight. The orchestra warms up in the jury box.)
Farmer's Market Surveillance Footage (Enhanced)
Timestamp 14:32:07 — Defendant reaches for same tomato as plaintiff. Hands brush. Timestamp 14:32:09 — Both parties retract hands. Defendant says “sorry” at approximately 240 beats per minute (allegro vivace). Timestamp 14:32:11 — Plaintiff responds “no you go ahead” in D minor. Timestamp 14:32:14 — The tomato remains unchosen. Both parties flee in separate directions. The tomato is later adopted by Agent Jackalope as evidence for B.U.R.P. Case File #E-901.
Admitted Into EvidenceThe Testimony of the Haunted Chaise Longue
(The witness stand rotates to reveal a screaming piece of furniture. The oboe trembles.)
The Chaise Longue from Lot #247
Expert Witness — Ye Olde Haunted Furniture Emporium, Paranormal Affairs Division
I have seen things no piece of upholstery should see. I have borne the weight of unspoken confessions. The defendant sat upon me for three hours drafting a text message that read simply ‘hey.’ I screamed not from haunting but from the sheer emotional devastation of witnessing such cowardice.
The Chaise Longue's Lament
(Adagio doloroso, for screaming furniture and strings)
Her phone held close, her courage running dry.
Three hours! Three hours for a single “hey”!
I am a chaise. I cannot look away.
♀ The draft was typed, deleted, typed once more—
Eleven variants of “hey” and nothing more.
O Justice! O Tomatoes! O Despair!
She added a period. Then removed it. I cannot go on.
The Defendant's Drafts Folder (Subpoenaed)
Draft 1: “hey”
Draft 2: “Hey”
Draft 3: “Hey!” (exclamation mark later deemed “too aggressive”)
Draft 4: “hey.” (period added for gravitas; removed for being “ominous”)
Draft 5: “heyy” (second y considered, then struck as “legally risky”)
Draft 6: “Hello, I was the one at the—” (abandoned mid-sentence; too formal)
Draft 7–11: Various permutations of “hey” with and without emoji. The eggplant emoji was opened and closed seventeen times. It was never selected. The court notes this restraint.
Closing Arguments (Duet in B-Flat Minor)
(Full orchestra. The courtroom chandelier descends. Kevin from Kevin's Conspiracy Corkboard is escorted out for connecting the tomato to the Illuminati.)
Pastor Router
Character Witness — First Congregational Church of the Holy Internet
The defendant has been a member of my congregation for three years. She donates to the bandwidth fund. She volunteers at the firewall kitchen. She is, in all respects, a good person who simply cannot flirt without experiencing what I can only describe as a full system crash of the soul.
The Closing Duet
(Allegro appassionato, B♭ minor, for two voices and one deeply conflicted tomato)
DEFENSE: The sun was weird! The tomatoes were in play!
♀ BOTH: O Sapphic Justice, hear our plea—
Was it a crime or was it just a maybe?
(The tomato, in the evidence locker, begins to softly hum.)
Court Costs
Emotional damages: incalculable. Filing fee: one (1) heirloom tomato.
Orchestra
47 musicians, 3 ghosts (WVOID 66.6 FM simulcast), 1 roomba on triangle duty.
Judge
Dr. Mittens. 14-hour nap record. Zero reversals. All rulings delivered via slow-blink.
Evidence
1 tomato (haunted), 11 drafts, 1 screaming chaise longue, 4.7 seconds of footage.
The Verdict
The Court finds the defendant guilty of Criminal Yearning in the Third Degree, with a mandatory sentence of: actually sending the text message. The Court further orders the plaintiff to respond within 48 hours or face contempt of heart. Justice Dr. Mittens has slow-blinked. This ruling is final.
Pending Cases
(The following matters await their aria.)
| Case No. | Style | Status |
|---|---|---|
| 2026-SSC-0473 | The Sentient Roomba Collective v. Stairs (Class Action) | In Session |
| 2026-SSC-0474 | Gary's Lawn Chair #208 v. The Wind | Adjourned |
| 2026-SSC-0475 | CryptoKaren v. The Concept of Pyramids | Verdict Sung |
| 2026-SSC-0476 | Aunt Carol's Recipe Box v. Molecular Gastronomy | In Session |
| 2026-SSC-0477 | Flat Mars Society v. Photographic Evidence | Adjourned |
| 2026-SSC-0478 | Brenda's Crystal v. Peer-Reviewed Science | Verdict Sung |
About the Court
The Hon. Justice Dr. Mittens
Chief Justice — Sapphic Supreme Court of Dramatic Appeals
Appointed by popular slow-blink in 2024. Has never spoken a word from the bench. All rulings are communicated via blink frequency, ear position, and tail angle. Zero cases overturned on appeal. The Competitive Napping League has requested she recuse herself from sleep-related disputes. She has not responded, as she is asleep.
Founded
Est. 2024, after the historic Brie v. Camembert was deemed “insufficiently dramatic” by the Cheese Tribunal.
Jurisdiction
All matters of the heart, the gut, and the “wait did she mean it like that?”
Rule 7.4
All closing arguments must be sung. Spoken closings are grounds for mistrial.